We use this framework to organise the skills & practices you can use before, during, and after a difficult conversation. If you want to develop your assertiveness, this 3-phase approach can help.
The 3 phases illustrate a cycle of self-improvement: you get repeated opportunities to set your own developmental goal, practise a more skillful approach to confrontation, and then reflect to observe your progress, increase your self-awareness and update your goals.
1️⃣ Phase 1 is all about clarity.
A confrontation is much more likely to go well if you can do some work beforehand to untangle the messy bundle of judgements & fears that you feel when you’re stressed or upset. You might talk with a friend, take a walk, or spend some time introspecting with your journal.
We find it useful to distinguish preferences (I would like...), needs (I must have...), boundaries (I will not accept...) and requests (Would you be willing to...)
2️⃣ Phase 2 is about standing your ground.
You can calm your nervous system with deep breaths, and intentionally use your posture & non-verbal body language to physically feel your inner strength. You can’t control the outcome of a confrontation, but you can learn to advocate for yourself well and communicate in a way that you’re proud of. When it comes to the negotiation, it is essential that both parties really understand each other, before you start making compromises or deciding on the outcome.
3️⃣ Phase 3 is about turning the confrontation into a useful lesson.
It’s normal to want to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions. After a difficult conversation, your instinct might be to try to put it out of your mind, distract yourself and feel numb. But if you really want to improve your skills in this area, it’s essential that you reflect on the difficult experience to improve your self-awareness and set yourself up for more deliberate practice in future. We love the “Trigger Log” journaling format, where you investigate a strong emotional experience with the curiosity of a scientist:
Trigger Log
Use these journaling questions to reflect and learn from a strong emotional experience:
What emotion did you feel? How intensely did you feel it (1-10)? Where did it show up in your body?
What was your automatic response to this feeling?
What would have been a wiser response?
What got in the way of you acting in the way you would have preferred? What stories, fears, or judgements came up?
What do you want to remember, next time you’re in this situation?
Practise with us!
If this framework has sparked your curiosity, and you want to put the theory into practice: join us for the next round of Fight Wise. It’s a course intended for people who habitually avoid confrontation or struggle to stand up for themselves. Over the series of 4 practise-based workshops, we dive into some of the essential skills that help you navigate conflicts and develop more courage in your relationships.
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